Thy heart is My home; Thy spirit is My place of revelation

Been an awkwardly long while since I last blogged anything. Every time I made an attempt, I am distracted and the post never happens. Right now, in bed and in mini pain, I'm resting but if my doctors knew I'm staring at my computer this much, I definitely would be chastised. Life was kinda busy, this and that, running around till I forgot I needed rest.

Anyhow, November 19... my good friend lost his mother. She was also my teacher maybe 10 years ago. I remember the smile and warmth she shared to all her students especially the international students cuz she knew how difficult it may have been for us kids to be away from our families. I'm blessed to have a chance to talk to her one week ago. Though in hospital bed, her sweet voice and encouragement and love warmed my heart so much; so much so that my spirits were lifted. Life will never be the same for my friend.

That aside, it's not easy losing anyone especially the one we love, and especially the one we love and we hardly expressed our love and appreciation back. How do we transcend this? How do we learn to break through our shyness and express our appreciation and love just enough for the other party to feel and know? I guess there are numerous ways to express our love, just the kind that we are comfortable with.

Life ain't easy but we learn... we learn to just know enough to maneuver through life's course though we might never learn to accelerate through it. But I guess that's alright, cuz we learn there is no need to rush through life or more like there are many things in life not worth rushing through. We create the pace for our lives and this usually determines who we are, the relationships we have with those around, and the gratitude we seek, express and receive. Ultimately, we are no perfect beings.

Yet again, I learn... when we are gone; we are remembered for the goodness. Our smiles, warmth and sweetness are treasured by many. And ultimately, we can't feel for another; your pain ain't mine and mine ain't yours. But we have to learn, learn to understand why someone feels a certain way, why he/she thinks or acts in a particular way and even if we don't quite understand, we have to try to cuz that's how we connect and that's how we become better people. We just need to learn to listen and sometimes, when we feel ready and trusted, we learn to open our hearts too :)

Life Accidents

Earlier today, I witnessed an immediate aftermath of an accident between a pickup truck and a bike right before my eyes. I heard the crash and as I turned around, one woman had just fallen over lying face up on the ground and the other woman just falling off the bike... and a young boy maybe just four slowly sliding out from the out-of-place bike.

I ran there and watched the woman lying motionless occasionally blinking. There was another woman who works at the hospital who came running right after me with my brother. I knew I had no clue how to help the lady. All I did was to go up to the little boy and hold him hoping to shed some comfort as he yelled and screamed for his mother. She was in a daze.

Slowly more and more people came, along with some other nurses as we weren't too far from the hospital.  The boy's blood dripped onto my arms and jeans. And for once, I realize how helpless and useless I could be. I have no knowledge of first aid, no clue how to react in such situations. I just knew in moments like these, calm was needed and I was hoping I could give that to the little boy.

As people slowly cleared up and the woman was given a spinal collar and put onto the ambulance, I knew my duty was almost over there. But I started to feel light-headed and realized I needed to sit down and get some air.

A pang of nostalgia hit me, bringing me back to my brother's accident - picturing almost this very scene happening to my brother and how helpless everyone was cuz he died instantly; he gave no chance for anyone to help him.

This exact thing could happen to me. I'm constantly on bikes riding; and just this morning, I attempted to overtake a truck but another truck came at me and I had to tell myself to slow down and chill.

The truth is we can never know what would happen when. This chance to still be breathing only reaffirms me to make more of my life. Perhaps, it's also time to take up some first aid courses.

Keeping Pace

I have figured something... I have figured out what I am most afraid of and it ain't cats. For years, that was all I thought I was afraid of most but not anymore. I have learned I am most afraid of change. And not just any kind of change but to have to experience change on my own, alone is what worries me.

If we were to think about things. Everything changes, all the time, gradually and some things dramatically. Yet as human beings, we have this capacity to adapt to any kind of change - the human being is made so strong in a way. And many times when change occurs, we go searching for some kind of haven, some place we feel safe and secure, some space we feel invincible. For me, that thing that I turn to is writing. I write, sometimes venting, sometimes calm but they mostly are in my private space - a book that I feel has become my best friend throughout the years of my life. Not only has it been a friend in times of difficulty but also in times of joy and accomplishment, I turn to it. Writing has been my loyal listener - if this ever makes any sense.

This idea of change... somehow, it often occurs to me that I have to go through change alone. I don't know why but I have always felt the tests of another are often far greater than my own and sometimes, they're all too painful to be shared and accepted. I feel only the good changes are meant to be shared with another while the challenging ones I am not allowed to disclose. But I still want to be there for the changes of others but I don't need for others to be there for me. So I guess, it's true that it is possible to lie to ourselves. I probably lie all the time how I am all fine alone. Hmm.... such a mysterious world.

Regardless, I'm leaving on a jet plane soon... Hopefully I come back in one piece, if not, that's God's Will as well. I will make sure to continue to write my experiences and memoirs because there is one thing human beings cannot do... we cannot remember everything. We cannot remember the exact scene, nor the exact smell nor the exact feelings that occur in us at that very moment. To me, words and descriptions can take me back to that very moment to relive... I should probably someday write a post on how I started my writing journey... Till then, keep smiling my dear people.

On The Move

I have been traveling so much lately and it isn't the end yet. I will be on the move till September - living out of a backpack. I definitely have learnt to travel light and how life becomes more comfortable just by wearing the right pair of shoes! Haha! I learned that the hard way with multiple blisters on my feet. Then I question myself: why did I invest so much in proper shoes and hardly make use of them. Now is probably the time.

In the past few weeks, I traveled till I barely feel tired - if that makes any sense. Always on the road, walking with my backpack and a laptop, running on and off buses and planes, learning to take naps cuz they apparently helps when every night is a 5 hour or less sleep night.

But yes, these moving around made me see hope in this world, in this country. One day few weeks back, I was stuck in a faraway mini town after visiting a friend in the hospital. Everyone I asked around said I probably had to put up a night at a guesthouse. But my friend who had a little baby figured she would rather be somewhere safe so I planned we hitchhike. Slowly, appearing stupid and helpless, I approached people if they could give us a ride. Many just didn't head out our way but there was one gentleman. He said he could drop us halfway towards the city so we hopped on. Then upon arriving that city late that night, it only meant more hitchhiking was needed to get to our final destination. We just sat by the roadside feeling ripped off by people's offers. Until.... a rescue team came over. Yes, literally a rescue team - a group of people who would go running out to help when a car crashes or someone found dead. Yes, they came to help us and drove us back to where we needed to go. We finally got back exhausted but safe. 

One whole evening of adventure. But it made me see hope. When I asked them why they volunteer despite having jobs in the day, they said they love the idea of serving, bringing joy to peoples' hearts, helping those in need. Isn't that a wonderful statement? Honestly, I am so convinced there are good people in this world. And there are many who are ready to jump to assist when the opportunity comes. There is no need to feel hopeless about our world anymore. Despite the chaos we feel the world is in... just like the sunshine, there is hope.

Five O'Clock in the Morning

Haven't been able to sleep the last couple of hours and only ending up realizing something... Yes, we learn to look at needs when it comes to material things. But it doesn't quite work that way with people. There are many things in life that I may want but every time I give it a second thought, I would realize I don't need it. That's how I find comfort to the many things I don't go after. But I'm starting to realize I use this with people too. It's true I don't need them but I suppose I need to learn to want them in my life. Or else we will all just end up living alone.

For so long, I thought my life was my life. I make decisions for me and everyone else was secondary as they weren't responsible for my choices. But there's such a fine line between my decisions and living in harmony with others. They're interrelated and thus, so very tricky. Bottom line is that none of us really wants to be alone and we certainly don't need to be alone. I have come to believe there are people out there who want to go through all of it with us; all the joy and pain life has to offer.

Despite our past, we learn that life is a process. We grow each day and over the years, we become this very different person. Sometimes unable to understand the change or what exactly that changed us. Sometimes we don't understand why we were once a certain way. While some things don't come accepted easily by certain people, it's about lifelong learning. We just have to learn to open our inner eyes to see how far we've come, what we need and what we really want. 

Late Night Shyness

Been wanting to write this post for some time and just listening to The Piano Guys play Elvis's Can't help falling in love.

If there is one thing our parents taught us three was generosity. They may not have taught us through words but their actions often reflected this spiritual quality. Since a young child, I have this picture of my parents going all out to do things for anyone without thinking twice. I have seen them jump to help their families, strangers, friends in need and ultimately their children without expecting anything in return.

This is a trait I saw a lot in my late brother too. He would do anything for another to be happy, even if it meant spending money for their happiness and not having anything in his pocket at the end of the day, he did it all. He had a big heart regardless of whether it was for an entirely good cause or not, it's that act of giving that inspires me.

I've been thinking of this just cuz as I see my parents grow old, I reflect back on how much they have sacrificed and given to us. I don't ever think I can give half of the goods they had given us to my future children. And that's a fact. But I guess it's giving - what to give is a different question which I have to figure out.

Of course we shouldn't be spoiling people with our generosity. But it's true, being generous is interlinked with service. Giving in the form of intangible services is also generosity. And we should never stop giving - whether it's our experience, knowledge, service, love or just a mere listening ear. They're all appreciated.

Then it reminds me, how much generosity is also connected with gratitude. It's mostly about paying forward, not necessarily a giving back. We are grateful for having certain special souls in our lives that guide us and at the back of our minds, we hope we could be that special soul to someone else and make them feel on top of the world just like we have experienced.

But yes, being grateful and appreciative is something I'm trying to foster in myself. I love these two words a lot. They mean so much to me because when someone is gone, nothing else matters but just how much I have appreciated that person.

Funnily many times in my life, I enjoy giving but not accepting. I feel out of place and undeserving to be receiving someone's kindness. I think as a human being, I should learn to accept openly from others too. That would only bring joy to everyone.

Just that, I am sometimes shy to show this. But deep down, I feel it. How wonderful would it be to always look deeper for these moments...

Hmmm... I'm not too sure if I'm making much sense here. So I shall stop for now =D

Good night world! 

Moments of Inspiration and Learning

Ever thought some situations we're made to go through as unnecessary or avoidable? I've been thinking how certain things in life we have no control over. Things like the need to sleep, eat and many others - a bunch of things we are just compelled to follow as nature takes its course. But there are others where its course depends on the choices we make as human beings and we're later needed to live by its consequences.

Among the latter itself, there are things which goes out of our control despite us feeling we're the captain of our ship. True enough, the captain has one of the biggest responsibilities; but reaching a destination isn't only dependent on the captain. The waves and the wind could play a role in deciding the ship's course. And in such a situation, the captain is demanded to test his ability to win over nature. So we're not so much of the captain, are we?

I'm sitting by a high rise building next to a swimming pool, allowing the sun to shed some of its vitamin D on me and the breeze to take me into relax mode. It's been some time to be in some place and not doing anything. Technically, I want to do a whole lot of things and get busy but I didn't carry any of my work materials on this trip, neither did I bring my computer. So being useless and getting carried away is what I'm here to do.

I've just returned from a 5-day seminar where people from 12 different countries came together to talk about systematizing spiritual education for children. How as teachers, we make a whole lot of impact on the lives of the children and how we teachers, unknowingly, could make more of a positive impact on our own lives. There is no limit to anything.  I guess it's a question of whether we are doing enough for the children and/or are we really striving for excellence when we think of being there for them and giving the utmost.

I've just come to realize how much each of us is a teacher in our own way. Every word and every act has the potential to teach, to transform a heart, to open a soul. Many of us say we're not good teachers; I'm starting to believe there is no such thing. And all of us could be amazing teachers. We have to learn to see ourselves as tools and instruments that allow another human being to explore concepts and mysteries of life directly and/or indirectly.

"Regard man as a mine rich in gems of inestimable value. Education can, alone, cause it to reveal its treasures, and enable mankind to benefit therefrom."

Cold Nights & Hot Days

Sitting under the night sky with a cup of hot Vietnamese tea; cool breeze and some stars. It occurred to me it's time to do some writing.

The days have been exceptionally hot and in a way, it's just nasty because it's way too uncomfortable to be doing anything productive. The nights on the other hand, are way too cold to not be in bed! So yes, first world problems I would say. I should just laugh about it.

Anyway, I've moved into a new place - a wooden house overlooking the sunrise and some fields. Each morning, the orange purplish horizon comforts me despite the cold. Funny thing is, I have never seen myself living in such a place before. It's not a place I would jump at but as I've moved here, I told myself it was only fair I learn to make the best out of it, make it like my own and make myself comfortable. Thanks to trying, I have felt better.

Deep down in my heart, I know it isn't my place forever. I know one day I would move out, venture into some place else and look for a whole new adventure, mingle with a different group of people, find laughter and bring joy to those around. However, that day isn't today.

I have had time to think about myself and my stay up north has only made me grow into a whole new person. I wonder if I would have grown this way if I were in a different place. Sometimes, my head likes to ponder on the what ifs. At the same time, about the mind-boggling future.

I wonder how long I would live; wonder where I would be years down; wonder if I would be doing anything worthy; wonder if I would bring joy to others; wonder if I could be a positive influence to future generations. Then it all comes down to the ifs once again. I have never been a fan of surprises, neither have I been a planner. I like to have a vague picture of things but not look at the details too much. Yes, I'm clumsy that way and in many other things as well.

I sound like an old grandma writing this. Wonder what happened to living the moment, seizing the day and carpe diem. Got to laugh, because I see myself changed perhaps into a different person or as some people might look at me and say boring. True enough, I don't really engage in anything that brings momentary happiness anymore nor I seek pleasure in small talk. I don't know if this is normal or right. But time will tell and lead the way. I don't think I'm making much sense here - just getting carried away by the night air. Well, there's one thing I'm sure of is I seek to be happy; and by happy, I don't really think I know what I'm refering to actually. But life is short and this quote comes to mind...

"I want you to be happy... to laugh, smile and rejoice in order that others may be made happy by you" -Abdul Baha

500 Days and 500 Nights

My brain has yet to register it's 2015, the first 2 weeks of January I had my dates written as 2014 still. I'm quite slow in that sense. Today is my younger brother's birthday and as I wished him, my countdown widget tells me it's been 500 days since the passing of my older brother [Sorry readers, I know I mention a lot of this].

Anyhow, I have come to this: Time does heal... I thought of a simple analogy of how we sometimes are clumsy, fall over, get hurt and bleed. And that pain is usually so excruciating, and we begin to curse ourselves of why we are such clumsy creatures since most times, it was self-imposed and unnecessary. I laughed thinking of this as it happens to me all the time (yes, all the time). But then, these wounds usually heal, some heal slowly while others heal a little quicker; bottom-line is they do heal leaving just a mere scar. That scar usually doesn't hurt anymore, it's just a mark of an act of clumsiness or fall - a vivid memory of it but sometimes a rather vague one. And most times, these scars make us laugh so hard while we recount the little incidences and then we realize there is no pain any longer. I guess it applies likewise to misfortunes that might have happened to us as well; we end up searching for the goodness within.

This is what I have come to understand (especially with 2 motorbike burns at the same spot!) The irony is we even appreciate those stumbles regardless of how painful they may have been. And maybe true enough, we do heal from the pain but I don't think we ever drift away from the memory too much (or at least, I have yet to experience that).

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on"

Looking forward to writing more, perhaps just need to think of something else to write.

Giving 2014 a wrap

My 2014 went by rather quickly. Somehow as I get older, time seems to fly faster. This past year was filled with so many surprises; surprises that I may have been up for and others that I had no clue I could do anything about. Yet I realize throughout this year, I have been happy. And to me, that matters more than anything.

I have grown to love the family I have more and more, have learnt to appreciate their presence and have begun to realize I want to keep them close to my heart forever regardless of where I am or what happens. And despite the mini bumps along this journey with my family, I know they are there for me. I can feel it in our presence and I can hear it in our conversations; a quiet day at home watching our favorite singing competition together for hours, cooking and enjoying meals together, laughing at one another's clumsiness - these have been things I look forward to each time I know we're all gonna be home. And these are things that can never be taken away from me; and I'm glad, really really glad I have been born into this family... somehow we have been destined for a certain kind and unexpectedly that puzzle fits somewhere and I realize I couldn't have asked for a more perfect family for myself. I love them.

Maybe there's just one other thing I would like to write about and that's on how much I have grown; how much stronger and a little more rational and patient I have become. I have never been any clearer of the person I want to be. Throughout the years, I never saw myself doing anything that could be beneficial to both myself and others. And somehow it has hit me that the sole reason I have grown into what I am now is merely the decisions and actions I have chosen. And ironically, this isn't the end to anything; it only demands for more sacrifices, more laughter, better decisions and greater wisdom to be able to strive for excellence.

"Wishing you good health, happiness and success in the coming year and always" was my mom's new year wish for me. I love how there was that "always"... Sometimes, we just wish people for the year and forget there's a longer timeline to things...