Life does not look back

I decided to blog because I miss writing terribly. It seems to be the only thing I know how to do properly, whether rain or shine, sad or happy; I write. And as you can see I've added another favorite quote by Paulo Coelho to the side because it is so true.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back."

Two months on since the death of my brother and I'm forced to continue living life as if nothing ever happened. And it's not entirely a bad thing but sometimes I wonder why I have to still laugh and smile when I don't feel like it. But that doesn't mean I don't feel happy at all. As much as it still is a confusion, I'm forced to be here for my dear parents and other brother who I'm sure question everything as much as I do or even more. And the saying goes, that which does not kill us, makes us stronger. But I wonder, if it has been killed, does it still make us stronger? And I believe there is no answer to that question - just too bad. 

But the loss of my brother has taught me a bigger lesson. I have come to realize what I have to live for. My family has never depended on me this much before especially when I have always been independent and moving around. The fact that they (unintentionally) made me step up so much more made me realize I need to be here for them; physically and emotionally. And I see how much each of us appreciates the company of another a little more than usual - how being together (even if in silence) heals and comforts.

Despite the fact that the letter 'I' can stand on its own, can give power to itself transforming into a word without the aid of another, it still remains a boring word that we all try to avoid using, especially when it's no fun by itself anyway. I realize no matter how much we desire to be alone, it's just not right. And somehow we live on, not for ourselves, but for others - for the people who brought us into this world and for the people whom we will bring into this world. And perhaps, everyone else. Life is short and yet a long road... This doesn't quite make sense actually. Weird world. So, I guess we just have to laugh about it and cherish.

Remembering Krit Krishnan

I never really thought that I would be dedicating a blog post for my elder bro, Krit. He was a follower of my blog at some point.

I don't know where to begin about him. I have way too many memories and some don't seem to want to disclose itself. One of the few things I remember of him was how annoying he could be and how he would tease me soooo much that I would get so upset with him since I was little. I can never forget that. And having had two brothers, my lifestyle was always influenced by them. Wrestling and soccer were two of our favorite sports. I remember Krit would be by himself while my little bro and myself on another team and yet Krit would beat us two. Few other sports we picked up along the way and played together were wakeboarding and snorkeling. Somehow Krit began to like water sports a lot and became a better swimmer than I did. One other thing Krit will never be forgotten for was his great cooking skills. He loved cooking and eating; and Indian food! We will miss his cooking definitely!

At some point, the priorities of our lives began to take different directions. And as much as I used to feel disturbed that we never thought the same way; I have come to realize that he had never stopped me from doing the things that I felt gave me happiness and always wanted me to be happy. One of the things he always said was to never worry. He was a true believer in living the moment, being happy and dying young. And somehow, I think he got his wish. I will always remember him as the happy-go-lucky guy. As much as my brain has yet to grasp the whole idea that I will never see him again, I feel comforted that he is in a better and safer place and that we will meet one day in a more beautiful place.

The truth was, Krit struggled so much to fight the social forces in our society. And I remember how he used to enjoy prayers and meditation; all because it was a moment for him to "get away" from the chaos. And as much as I have always envisioned us growing old and dying together at a later point in life, I am so sure that he will live on in my thoughts and prayers. I will make sure to pass on the wonderful memories of my brother, Krit.

Despite all the things we do in life, at the end of the day, we are remembered for the good things; remembered for our kindness, laughter, smile; for the little things we might have said or done to someone. And sometimes in this lifetime, we feel like we haven't made an impact on anyone; but somehow we all do. So what we thought was important in life, think again because we might have gotten it wrong the first time. Though I hope to be able to write more of him, I can't; just because no words could suffice that unique brother of mine. He has done more than goodness in my life and I truly appreciate him.

"All things in life change, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly. We do not notice the gradual changes, but the sudden change comes like a great shock. We are frequently stunned or filled with grief. Death comes suddenly; but, like birth, death is an open door to a new and greater life."  

When Life Takes a Different Dimension

The months of BERs have arrived. SeptemBER... My life has completely changed as I moved up north.  Life has not only become simple but it has made me believe that Simple Life I always yearned to experience did come about. And it's not that difficult either. The joy that emerges from the little achievements of others (especially those of young people) demonstrated that it is possible to be happy with the growth of another and not of oneself.  And perhaps, through the sharing of these mini happiness of others, we grow as individuals. We get both at the same time :)

And though my time here hasn't been 2 months. I feel this thing has changed my life to a certain degree - shaping the way I view the people around me, my society, and the future generation. I see myself make better choices or at least they appear to be. And I feel like I've come to know what I want; a slow process yet I believe I'll get there.

Time really does fly when I'm here. Soon a year will go by, and who knows where I'll be. Maybe a year from now, life could take a whole new direction from this too. Regardless, the today has given me a deeper sense of meaning and joy to my life. And though the future makes me anxious,  I make sure I appreciate the today.

Learning can be anywhere

Talk about teamwork

To 'taste' is a form of appreciation

Another Trip to Share, Another Opportunity to Discover

I know after each travel, I usually do a mini post on my trip. So I'm going to try to do my best.

It was a super short trip of just 10 days or so but I traveled to Delhi, then down south to Bangalore and then a coastal town called Gokarna by the west coast of India. I also met two of my friends who I haven't met in seven long years (may I say it once more, seven long years). And it was fun how we just picked up right where we left off - felt like it was just last week we saw one another. We have definitely grown into different people. We were once roommates in a middle school, and now we are college people who have summer jobs and internships in different countries. It's such an amazing world when I think of it.

Besides having an amazing company, I cannot resist myself from mentioning the fact of how well-fed I was; perhaps overfed too. It was so easy to get food of the cuisine I like; especially when it was easy to get meatless dishes everywhere. I definitely ate wayyyyy too much. And at every stop I made whether during a bus ride or a break from a long walk through the towns, I would grab myself a mini cup of Indian tea or Masala Chai that had come in the size of shot glasses! Those drinks just kept me warm in those breezy days. And the fresh fruit juices were amazinggggg - watermelon, mango or even some sour fruit I don't know how to pronounce the name; they kept me happy.

Regardless, my trip wouldn't have been as carefree if I didn't have my hand sanitizer with me. I was freaking out due to the lack of hygiene. During my travels, I had to sleep in beds with bugs, big fat ants walking around the bedroom and massive animal poo appearing every now and then for which I couldn't find the animal! The first few days of that experience was fair and fine; I was telling myself to embrace it since it's a rare occasion to experience something as such. But when it became a daily thing, I was definitely physically and mentally burned out in trying to not over think about those bugs and trying to make sure they stayed off me. I knew I was asking for adventure, but I didn't think it would be that adventurous! With all that happening, I guess I learnt something more about myself, I am quite a princess after all - I still need a clean bed to sleep in at least without an animal sharing my bed with me. But I guess if I was made to live in such a situation, I could too; I do know I would have had to eventually adapt to it or find a way to eliminate those bugs.

And yet again, each of these trips I take teach me a bigger lesson each time. I remember the first half of the trip, I was extremely happy of the life I was having - hopping places, exploring and discovering but towards the end, I grasped that it wasn't quite a life. Yes, I did have all that fun while seeing the world; and yes, my perspectives towards the world have definitely broadened but it became partially pointless. I guess it's true - we all need such trips to remove us from the crazy schedules of our busy lives, but it's a period to help us regain our strength, belief and focus; not a life to live.

While traveling, I met and conversed with people that convinced me completely of my decision to move up north to the hill-tribes for the next one year as worthwhile and right. Because with or without a Ph.D., I realize many things start at the very basic level that ultimately we all really and truly are the same deep inside. I met the most beautiful and heartwarming people by the streets and yet at the same time, people who were utterly smart in their field of study were not very considerate and thoughtful for the simple things. I find that completely sad. But I guess I can't change the world - who knows I could be the one having a twisted perspective of the world and not them. But the underlining message here is that I'm moving, and hopefully it would only make me appreciate the simple things of life more and I guess feel a little bit more worthy.

Here are some pictures from my trip; not that many or that beautifully taken. I guess everything in India happens too quickly that by the time I take my camera out, I'm like 10 seconds late.

Goodbye College, Hello Vie!

It's funny that when I named this blog a few years back, I forgot to consider the fact that I would eventually graduate from uni. Or I didn't think I would perhaps? Haha.

But yes, I'm officially done and though few grades are not out, I'm positive that I would at least pass them - forget the fact that I would ace them, because I won't and the mere pass would suffice me at this point.

Who knew, this day would come? I never thought I would get through those tough moments. And now that I feel I've climbed to the top of the highest mountain, I've also realized it isn't quite the highest. I see a higher mountain ahead and it's waiting for me to attempt the climb - most probably a lot harder to climb. But there's no option if I would want to go for it or not, it isn't a choice. It's a universal truth, the future gets more challenging and yet, we still have got to keep moving. What an irony.

I guess I have nothing else to say. The one thing I can think of right now, is to go for it. I initially wanted to share what I learnt in the last four years, but I can't think of anything specific and useful at this moment to say. Maybe when I get the inspiration, I shall write more.

For now, I'm off for one mini adventure, among the many to come. I will make sure to share something when I return  =D

Becoming A Worthy Human-Being

Almost 4 years ago, just months into my college life,  my dearest grandpa left this world. I called him Ta which literally means maternal grandpa in Thai. I still remember the last words he said to me just days before he left. Those words, whenever I think of them, puts a smile across my face; it has been by far, the sweetest and the kindest of words ever said to me. All perhaps because, I trust that he meant those words for he knew me a long time. But it was almost like he knew... he knew what I needed to hear to get me through my entire life. And it is true, when I think of those words, nothing else really matters anymore; because his words act as an umbrella for whether rain or shine, will protect me and get me going.

The picture of him that I have in my head today is still the same vivid fun memories I have of him - especially the ones related to him having a great time with us. He was like my personal philosopher, chef, bodyguard, nanny, scientist, engineer and friend; all one could ever ask for in a person. He always knew what to say, when to say. In moments of crises, he was the best person to be around because his words would often comfort; like I said, he really knew when to say things.

He has not only taught me how to live life, but also to eliminate fears. He taught me that learning to let go is sometimes scary yet necessary; to stand tall with integrity but more importantly, he has taught me of the secret of being a worthy individual - to always give back to others with complete modesty and free from expectation. And to really give with complete patience and genuine love especially to the ones around. Not only had he shown me a glimpse to living life, but everything he did or ever said would always have a deeper hidden message, that 'life is never easy' but if one did try, just to try, one could do it.

I know, as individuals, we often say things to others like, "I'm really glad to have known you". But honestly, I think those phrases have just been used too much that they have become empty. When I think about it, I can only think of using this phrase with my grandpa and truly still keeping its deeper meanings. He really has demonstrated to me what it really means to have completely earned happiness from the presence of another person. And maybe it is possible to feel this way with many people, sometimes only after a few hours spent with them.

I know people say they want to be great human beings in this lifetime; doing great things etc. But they should really stop and define what it really means to be great. I don't think great things ever meant 'great-great' things. Sometimes I think that being great is just being worthy; not perfect but perhaps being true to oneself and those around; and leaving that feeling of complete blessing, appreciation and gratitude for someone else to have known you - even if it is just one other person. And yet, I still know that it is not an easy thing to do; I don't think I could ever be as great as my grandpa but the mini memo I want to leave here is that everyone should get to hang out with one such other person. I would like to believe it's a grandpa; sometimes grandfathers are just the most fun teachers to be around with. I could be wrong but my grandpa had truly taught me what genuine love is and what it could do to a person.

Now, 4 years on, 3 weeks from completing my college; Ta is not here to see me graduate - a thought that I have always wished for to happen. But I'm starting to believe that it doesn't quite matter. Whether here or not, he is somewhere watching me and I just know it. And just like his name, 'Arun' which means 'dawn' in Thai, he has left a mystery and at the same time, a feeling of serenity and hope; and really, I don't think I can mention everything that was great about this individual that had happened to have a place in my small heart - his love for me, is by far too large to condense into a page or even ten. The more important question is if I am striving each day to become that worthy person that my grandpa had attempted to teach me through his actions and not just words alone...

Mingalaba & Sabai-dee!

Yes, I am aware that I owe everyone out there a post. In the time that I've spent away from this blog, I've made travels to Myanmar and Laos - trips that showed me what's important in life; trips that gave me confirmation to the decisions I'm about to make. I can only say how much I appreciate such trips; trips with learning and fun; yet, remained as an eye-opener to me. I will be eternally happy for such opportunities that I get; I am indeed a lucky child.

I don't have much else to say; writing every detail of my trip would still not be sufficient to say all that are within me - feelings and emotions of gratitude, happiness, confirmation and a hope that every little thing would be okay. So, I shall leave mini bits of what made me happy... But unfortunately, I didn't take that many photos either so here are some of the few :)

The Human

It is true, the human dislikes sadness, pain, agony, difficulty, challenge, criticism, judgment... Yep, it dislikes all. It's because the human hopes for so much, such high expectations everywhere and moreover, having registered what a perfect life may be for each individual. How then, is an individual able to find that happiness, that laughter, that joy and love?

Yes, the human life is a struggle, a struggle of its own kind where it doesn't share it with any other species. It is so unique and sophisticated that each atom faces a test of its own; and thus, each individual faces a whole different combination of this pain and challenge. True enough, sometimes this agony tears one apart, taking away all hope, all smiles, all inspiration and leaving behind all the pessimism that could ever exist within one's vocabulary of feelings and thoughts.

And though, it may sound easy to say rid all that negativity, it's not close to being easy. And it's alright when one reaches a point where one says, 'enough is enough'; or 'I don't care' because sometimes, it could really be the best thing to be said and done; as really, sometimes, not everything could be solved overnight, some things take ages to become better so one cannot be blamed for having been all that negative after all.

But there's that mini thing that one could always do; to just try. And if it doesn't succeed today, take a rest, one shall try again tomorrow. And since the human believes so strongly that life is a struggle, and that everyday is a struggle, why not just make that little effort, regardless of how small or big, to just find that happiness, laughter, joy and love? That mini inspiration somewhere within a day's work to keep one going.

But it is true, life is a struggle. Yet, pain and agony is good, it is what that makes one human.

A donut helps :)

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Lately, there's this feeling of anxiety. There's constant butterflies in my stomach, those nervous and anxious ones are coming around; more and more. I'm constantly alert as to what may come at me. As much as I would like to say that I'm so very ready for anything that may come at me, I am not. Slowly, I'm becoming gloomy and worried. 

There's this little anger emerging, a hidden one where no one can see it. And hopefully, no one ever has to see it. Ultimately, I'm asking for too much; I'm asking for that anxiety to go away or more like to never come; yet, this anxiety isn't within my control, not even a single bit. And when I think of those little things that are bothering me, I realize sometimes, even God might not be able to assist; all because it is self-created and self-imposed by individuals. I'm so disturbed to write this blog; all because I made a mini promise to myself to constantly be positive and only write the good. So maybe I would try to shift my thoughts to something more positive; and try to forget about that anxiety that is trying to find room within me. 

Today, I spent time at a french home; along with some of my other french-speaking friends. The entire house was vibrant, bright and chic yet there was that tinge of simplicity within, giving that homey feeling to it. And no, we didn't have small talk; but rather, we shared stories of our ancestry, the stories that are beyond any of our imagination, the stories that have made us 'us'. And many of these stories traced far back, far enough to give that excitement, joy and disbelief all at once. Being able to hear each one of our stories made me smile and wonder in awe of how beautiful each picture of our lives has been painted. It's just amazingly amazing. It goes back to my previous post. Imagine these stories never got retold to another, how dull the picture of our lives would have been. It would just have been centered on us individuals, unable to trace to a single thing phenomenal...   

Nope, this picture is nothing near the french home I was referring to, but it is now my new favorite place where I go to when I need to forget the world.

Your Stories Equal My Stories

There was a tinge of boredome encompassing me. Not just today, but also the past few days. And it's not like I don't have anything to do, I've got so much to do yet my brain tells me, Oh just chill. So, I thought I should make use of my time and do something I love doing so maybe in this process, I can remove some guilt of not doing anything productive. 

So yes, I saw a quote/statement this morning that got my brain thinking AGAIN! Brain Oh Brain, why do you love to think so much? Anyway, the quote got me realizing that each of us have so many stories to tell; or at least, so many stories within us whether we choose to share or not. It's amazing when we come to think of how much life has given to us - the different experiences that we have collected and kept them somewhere in us - some say it's within the brain, others say within the heart. I wouldn't know. But what I do know is, that all these experiences or technically, the memory of all these experiences are kept, but only a fader, dimmer and duller expression of them all. Because no matter how hard we try to treasure that very moment of feelings, no one can do it - it is just how it is. It's impossible. That original feeling at the time it happened would not be felt with that same intensity. So maybe, the brain isn't that powerful afterall.

So if that is the case, how do we try to keep and treasure that very feeling within us? Especially those positive feelings that come to us and we're all like, Stop the time! I want this happiness forever! It's such a funny world. But that is the thing, how do we treasure? I just think maybe we've got to tell them to somebody, share it! Because through sharing, one would spread the joy and it's like a virus! And so, maybe when we come back recalling that memory, someone else may be able to help us put the pieces together, put colors onto it and make it appear as near-colorful as the original as possible. So really, the stories (experiences) don't mean anything when you have got no one to tell them to.