Feeling of Nothingness

Phew...

I'm doing my assignment on Anger and listening to Rob Thomas while my friends in S'pore and India are enjoying their Deepavali celebrations =.= I'm trying to write a rather beautiful and "capturing" paper. It's not easy... Brrr. Especially, when I'm still struggling here. The feeling of me missing Ta has disappeared ever since we went to the sea the other day. Sometimes, I forget that he's gone. It doesn't feel too right for me. And sometimes, I don't even think of him as if he never came into this world... the imperfect world of chaos.

I've to admit, I'm really down. I don't like being with people anymore. I don't feel like going out. I don't feel like doing anything for anyone. I just want to be by myself doing what I 'have' to and not do things for others 'voluntarily'. It doesn't sound exactly like the 'me' that I was a month ago. I HAVE issues. And I guess I haven't taken enough time to deal with them and pull myself together. I'm basically, living each day as I desire. The desire to just be by myself and myself only. Everyone is probably thinking what has gotten into me. But right now, I don't really care. I just want to be alone...

The feeling of nothingness has seized me. It's like I don't see things worthy anymore. Like I said, my sadness turned into anger and rebelliousness and now, it has turned to nothingness. My feelings are weird. And I wonder how long more will I be this way. Cuz I don't like the 'me' that I'm being. I'm so outgoing and sincere. Now, I'm basically antagonistic and reserved. And to add to that... boring.

Sigh. I guess I have to start picking up the pieces... right away. Cuz this stuff is not just troubling me but many others around me <<< not easy >>>

Three Weeks of Overwhelmingness

The last three weeks have been really overwhelming, tiring and emotional. I lost two people in my life... whom influenced me in atleast a way and definitely more, I'm sure.
First was Ta, he was such a great person. He inspired me till his very last moment. We spoke and had fun together all these years. Unfotunately, he had to leave due to liver cancer which we found out 2 years ago. Somedays, I forget that he isn't around anymore. I feel his presence around me till today although when I walk up to his room, he isn't there physically. I miss him...
Second was Ritiki... the friend who was always so patient and brave... always listened to people... She was just beautiful both inside and out. I still remember the week we spent our Christmas and New Year together having long talks and chilling out with others. She used to give my head massages which always felt so good. She was just comforting me when Ta died. And 12 days later, she leaves :(
I felt so numb. Death happened all too quickly for me. I didn't have any feelings when Ritiki left and I just didn't know how to feel. Her death was sudden...
It's been only 5 days since Ritiki left. I'm trying to understand my feelings. However, as times passes, this sadness of mine is turning into anger and rebelliousness. I feel stubborn and agitated when things don't go exactly the way I want them too. We're all defeated by death so I know it's not just me who's feeling this way. I need help, but I don't know in what way. This week has just been tough. Assignments are flooding in and I can't not do them and say that I lost someone. It's just not right. I guess I need to learn to move on... quickly. I'm trying, I am. It's just hard. And I hate myself to feel this way... The rebelliousness is so not me :(
I need to get well...

R.I.P Ta & Ritiki...